A lie I believed: Struggle Quietly
When I became a Christian at the age of 7, there were a few things that I was sure of. I was sure that Jesus Christ paid the sacrifice that I never could. I was sure that I was going to play basketball for Pat Summit (Spoiler alert, that sadly did not happen). And I was sure that for the rest of my life, I was going to make Jesus dying for my sin something that was worth his time. I would never have admitted that I believed the last one but for years after that, I spent almost all of my time aiming to persuade my elementary and middle school classmates that they were lost and in need of a Savior. You may be thinking to yourself, how awesome of you to do that. You started at such a young age. What I didn’t realize was that I was creating a mindset that I fight against to this day. Though it was great that I wanted to share my faith with everyone around me, it became more about what I could do to earn God’s love than wanting to share God’s love with the watching world. I became very outspoken to people who were living in ways that I disapproved of. I aimed to correct actions in people instead of sharing the Good news about my Savior.
It wasn’t until my freshman year of high school that the Lord wrecked my heart for this sin struggle. He allowed me to realize that no amount of “good” things that I did could earn his love. I already had it. That is so freeing!
I wish I could tell you that was the end of my struggle to be a "good enough" Christian. This has been a core struggle of mine for most of my Christian life. But today as I sit here and process through some things, I am realizing more in depth how that struggle has manifested. When I came to seminary, I was eager to learn and excited to study with some of the most brilliant Christian thinkers of my time. And though that is still the case, I sit here convicted of a lie that I have let myself believe. Somewhere along the line, I began to believe that I needed to have it all together. I began to share less and listen more. I began to minimize my sin struggles and shift the focus to other people’s problems because they seemed more difficult than what I was going through. I told myself that I could not be struggling because I am in seminary. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I realized how much this lie was infiltrating my life. Right before bed one night, my husband looked at me with love and compassion and said to me, “Kelsey, you do not seem okay. What is going on?” And it was in that moment that I allowed the brokenness that I had been hiding to be seen for the first time in a long time. In tears, I let down my guard that I had spent so long building and shared months worth of fear, disappointment, and struggle that I had been facing by myself.
I realized a lot of things that night. I realized that I had believed the lie that strong Christians don’t struggle. I realized that I love being in control of people’s perception of me. I realized that I have been operating in a stage of pseudo transparency for too long. I realized that God’s design for the church is so much more than a place to share prayer requests but that it is a place for broken people to live with accountability and truth. I realized that it is okay to struggle. I realized that my Father loves me in spite of my sin and chose to redeem my life from the pit and crown me with love and compassion (Psalm 103:4). I realized there is immense beauty in being fully known by fellow Believers and my Creator. I realized that I am missing out on an integral part of the Christian life when I hide my heart from people who care about me. I realized that because God did not treat us as our sins deserved and removed our transgressions as far as the east is from the west that I do not have to earn anything nor could I, but instead I get to live knowing that Jesus took care of it all on the cross.
Do not struggle quietly, Christian. When we do, we are missing out on the divine community that God has for us. We are missing out on the beauty of authentic communion with God’s people and our Father. Do not believe the lie that you are supposed to have it all together because you go to a Christian school or because you hold this job title or because people would think differently if you shared what was actually going on. Relish in the freedom of John 10:10, seek intentional community with fellow Believers, and trust in our Father who changed the ending of our story.
